do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
