I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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