I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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