Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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