girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
