Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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