my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
