there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
