i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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