If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
