so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
