just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize