is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
