and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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