I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
