then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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