Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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