allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
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