I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize