Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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