i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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