dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
