Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
