FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
