What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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