I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize