Im at strip club and am horny
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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