yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
