Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
