he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
