census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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