Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
