Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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