jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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