My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
