omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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