In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He shit in the fireplace
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
