someone threw a dead crab at me
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
