We named our party play list daddy issues
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
