At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
