eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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