hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
