The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Randomize
