i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
