I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize