if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
