Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
