WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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