sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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