I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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