i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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