i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
