Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize