I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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