Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
as a side note pls kill me
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