I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I wear drunk well.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
