So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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