I just cut my nipple shaving
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
