Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
