His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
