I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
