im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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