I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
