As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
