He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
