All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
