Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
