dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
