I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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