bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
